What Not to Say to a Single Person Part Duh

Angela Manfredi 2005 ©

Angela Manfredi In a previous column, I issued a memo which addressed the most common question asked of a single person: “Why aren’t you married?” Today, class, we cover a few other verbal vexations.

1.) “You just haven’t met the right one.”

Would you be so kind as to reach over your preconceived notions and hand me my ink-filled social calendar? You see, in many cases, the “right one” shows up quite frequently, rendering the idea of only one “right one” a bit prosaic.

2.) “It will happen when you’re not looking.”

What will happen when I’m not looking? I’ll fall over a chair? Oops! That’s not furniture, that’s a may-un! Let’s cut to the chaise here. I mean chase. We’re human. We’re NEVER not looking. It may only be window shopping, but believe me: Everybody’s always looking!

3.) “Aren’t you afraid to be alone when you’re old?”
#1: Getting married is no guarantee that you’re not going to be alone.

#2: Not being married means I can work more. Working more means making more money. More money means I can hire male nurse eye - candy to chauffeur me around in my leopard print wheelchair and make sure I’m eating properly. “Young man, hand me my teeth and bib and feed me those champagne - soaked prunes pronto!”

4.) “You’re attractive. Why aren’t you married?”

Becuuuuuzzzz, silly person, I’m too busy being attractive. Getting exfoliated, plucked, made-up, blown-dry, manicured, salted, sloughed, wrapped in seaweed, caked in mud, massaged, moisturized, and told what to do by the Dermot Mulroney look- a- like personal trainer at the gym (Or is it Dylan McDermott? Gotta keep my Celtic cuties straight.) leaves me no time for a walk down the aisle. And, a honeymoon? That could conflict with my Brazilian Bikini Wax appointment which, at the moment, seems a lot less painful than this line of questioning.

5.) “But, don’t you want children?” Only if they grow up with manners better than yours. (Seriously, folks, if you need me to spell it out for you…This is too p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l.)

And that concludes today’s lesson. Be sure to join us next time when we discuss why being single is not a disease or a condition and doesn’t need to be “cured” with a “fix-up”.